How to address compatibility issues in your relationship
By Blessing Divine
A very healthy relationship could easily be at the brink as a result of mild challenges. As partners, you have both been raised by different parents irrespective of how similar the environment you grew up in could be, hence, the possibility of a slack. Your partner might not measure up to how exactly you want them to be.
People choose who they want based on certain traits or characteristics they desire. Every young man or woman has in mind, the picture of an ideal spouse, one we might have probably picked from the pages of a book, or a movie or even a real human character amongst us. Most times, we choose our partners to complement the features we lack. This probably explains why uneducated men go after the educated ladies most times for the sake of their offsprings.
I had a dialogue with a partially educated man some years back. I was still in Secondary School at the time but I was inquisitive as to why he wasn’t going after ladies like him (someone with an SSCE Certificate) as he just had a fight over an undergraduate student he was aiming to marry. He simply gave me a very long unprepared speech on why a person’s partner must be a plus to one’s life.
I felt that was a really good reason he gave me, but over the years, I discovered that he might be right but is he actually a plus to the life of the lady (whom he ended up marrying)? She is a graduate with a good career and fat paycheck but he was a commercial bus driver in Lagos State with no hope of furthering his education. At the pre-nursery level, their first son developed disinterest in education, at least that was how it seemed to the father who ensured the mother see to how to restore the boy’s interest in school though the little man was just throwing the normal first timer tantrums.
The father was simply scared that his son could end up being a drop out like him but rather than facing the challenge squarely, he is putting the blame on the mother, even though not an educationist. We finally fall in love and tend to place a whole lot of expectations on our spouses even when that’s not who they are.
This happens both ways and in the process, we do not get the best out of each other. I’ve seen very jovial and chatty people turn to taciturn ones due to the impact of their spouses but then they become very morose and moody because that’s not who they are. One could be quiet yet could have a very cheerful demeanour but their case tends to be different: someone else is trying to change them. Of course, the quiet and ‘sane’ spouse has a reason for doing that but do you make someone better by changing them totally? Can you make a lion look better by turning it into a dog? No way!
What precisely is one expected to do? Get prepared. Accept the fact that even twins have separate interests on some issues. You just have to acknowledge that you aren’t perfect either and also have flaws that might displease the other person. When we try to paint a perfect picture of ourselves, we simply make a fool of our existence. I know someone who knows virtually everything about dressing up, what to wear to a certain occassion and how to style it, yet, doesn’t flush a toilet after using one.
Such a contrast but that’s why we are imperfect beings. A person can’t be everything in one, even though you can be good at some things. In the same way, accept the other person first of all the way they are, you can try to mould them to a better being much later.
In the same vein, the issue of pretence comes in. You probably haven’t seen him/ her behave this way for fourteen years and now?
“Oh, but we have been dating for years before we got married and I haven’t seen this trait in him!” Yeah, we surprise ourselves sometimes when we come up with certain character traits. It does happen, it is no pretence! Probably because we haven’t been faced with such situations in time past or we’ve even experienced such but when you weren’t there.
We tend to do our love lives a whole lot of disservice when we allow for distrust. Not necessarily in relation to cheating. We have to trust our partners to know the right thing to do, how to do it and when to do it. Don’t impose your decisions on your spouses. This might however not be applicable to those who are in a relationship with underaged people. Our partners grew up to make decisions every single day of their lives even up to adulthood to their choosing to be with you, they should have a free hand to make their choices. You albeit could be in a place to chip in a piece of advice which could do them a lot of good, not for your own selfish interest.
A relationship which does not make any positive impact in the life of one or both partners isn’t meant to be, in the first place.
We could also be too interested in the life of our partners such that we make everything about us revolve around them. This might go unnoticeable but we tend to choke them with our demands. “But I’m not trying to control his living, I’m only interested in how he’s doing, how does that choke him?”
In many ways! He might want to be left alone, let him. The fact that a person is now in a relationship only affects a portion of their existence not the whole of their beings. He/she goes to bed normally by 8pm and you’re a night crawler, you only place a call across at 12am and your call is met with silence, you shouldn’t get annoyed. Relationship is about sacrifice, true, but some sacrifices are unnecessary.
Don’t make everything and everyone around you have a feel that you’re now in a relationship. A life of purpose is what is intended and while fulfilling purpose, you met someone so great, good! But how about that goal, that purpose?
Calling at every interval, checking up with text messages, social media chats and all might be too occupying for the other person. The best thing to do is to communicate appropriately especially when you notice some flaws on the part of the other person. You could ask questions, make suggestions; that might help a very mild issue from escalating beyond necessary.
The survival of a relationship lies in the hands of both partners. Live and let live, the saying goes. Have a nice weekend!